Miracles, Angel's, and knowing this is just the beginning....

Tonight I find myself, once again, in a quiet room, worship music play while my sweet girl sleeps, and with every deep breath, and quietness in the room, the presence of the Lord remains so sweet and so strong, despite the craziness of the last few days.....

It's hard to know where to even begin, but I guess the best place would be where I left off...

After the bone marrow biopsy on day 2, the Lord continued to show up and place amazing things in front of our eyes....After 2 hours of sleep on night 1, I decided I would go home and sleep since I had to teach on Thursday....and of course when I got home the first thing I did was vacuum and mop the floors....sure, I should have been sleeping, but I just couldn't....I am sure it's partially a control thing, and just being really transparent here, but even just knowing my floors were clean is like an immediate sense of calmness and by the simple act of cleaning a floor, that the entire house appears different..... I think we do this some in our own life....try to make things look better for an immediate feeling of peace, and sometimes I know this is a challenge for me to stay in balance...And I fully admit to my floor obsession, but after the last few days we had, it was just something I needed to do to feel better....so even though I had to work the next day, the floors were clean and there was some sense of peace despite the lack of sleep and at 5:00AM alarm clock....

Day 3: PORT DAY! So thankful that my amazing husband was able to be with Laney while I taught my students.....My husband, he sure is a special one...while Alayna was in the OR he met another family with a daughter our age and a much different diagnosis....We have realized over the last few days how blessed we are to have the diagnosis of ALL and particularly type B-cell....we have hope and trust in Alayna's beautiful and complete healing, but others do not share in this hope or even have the same prognosis....It seems so crazy, and I said it in my last blog, but we are truly honored to be chosen for this path, and believe completely that is a blessing to have ALL because others do not have the hope we possess

Job 11:18New Living Translation (NLT
You will be protected and will rest in safety.
Having hope will give you courage.

Some people have asked why I am still trying to work, and the answer is pretty simple, because I have to...it will set us up to have income during my maternity leave and I love teaching, but being away from my baby during her port surgery was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life....Thank the Lord for FaceTime...It has been such a lifesaver for us, just to be able to connect with family while in the hospital and Alayna always wants to call or "FaceTime" people....

FaceTime before surgery

As soon as I got done teaching, I immediately rushed to the hospital....I couldn't have walked in at a better time, because of prayer team from Action was there praying in Alayna's room....and they also got to pray with the family Ron met in the waiting room....there was such a peace in her room and just a sweet spirit....we had the most amazing worship time and prayer time while she slept so peacefully after her port placement....they told us that she was the best 2 year old patient they had ever had and they also thankfully already accessed her port so they wouldn't have to do it when she was so sore....The Lord keeps confirming her complete healing and it's so exciting to see that already happening...while in surgery she had a Lumbar Puncture and chemo placed in her spine to prevent the ALL from crossing into the blood brain barrier...

Sweet Angel sleep while we worshipped

After she woke up from surgery, things got a little rough.....she got very nauseated, started throwing up and spiked a fever up to 103....it was scary and not very fun because I knew she was absolutely miserable....they had to draw blood cultures and start an antibiotic.....Poor thing was just miserable....luckily after all the stress and things had calmed down, my sweet friends Becky and Kelsey (all the way from Bradenton!) both came to visit...they were so helpful in getting her cleaned up and her hair washed (thankfully Kelsey went to hair school and Becky can make a mean hospital bed).....it was so nice for Mama, as well, just to feel encouraged and loved on!

Day 4: Laney was pretty sore after surgery....we had a pretty good night after surgery, but I knew this would be the day we started chemo....as we prepared to start our first IV drug....I was super nervous...to think of chemo running through my sweet girls blood was just a scary thought...thankfully my sweet friend Angeline came to sit with me on Friday and she even brought me Starbucks :) Angeline was my very first boss when I became a nurse but over the years our relationship has become definitely more like a sisterhood. She is an incredible prayer warrior and always says what I need to hear even when k don't want to hear it sometimes and just being around her brings this sense of comfort to our whole family. Everyone loves their Angel!!! Friday the VanHovens also spent time with us and thankfully I am resting in sweet sleep because sweet Kelly found me a solution to a very uncomfortable bed, another answer to prayer..

Angel Time...and look at Alayn's face, precious

In all of this, I have had some people give me lots of their opinions and different options....and if I let it, it could upset me, but there's not doubt in my mind that the Lord lead us to the right doctor...who is simply just amazing...and the right treatment plan.....Sometimes we look to things to blame things on and say things are caused by this or that...and to be honest, I don't need something to blame right now....Satan would want to make me think this was our fault, or something we did, or that we caused it because of the way we practice medicine in our own life...the list goes on and on...but that's exactly what he wants us to do....to feel guilty....and I can't choose to accept that negativity...I choose to believe that we were chose for this as a way to share the love and hope of Christ...and I have been blown away by how God truly has ordained every step that has lead us to this point, and I will continue to choose life in our situation....

That day we were also hoping to get results back on the CSF fluids, and the Lord is so faithful because I am happy to announce there is NO LEUKEMIA IN HER CSF FLUID!!!!

This was just the first miracle in a long string of miracle....Laney definitely didn't want to eat a lot, but we were able to go to treasure box for our town after our procedures and we also received Chemo Duck and our Beads of Courage....(Chemo Duck is a super soft duck that goes with you on your journey and as you bring him in, he gets stamps, and eventually you get to turn in the stamps for something awesome....Bands of Courage is a program to reward cancer kids by giving them a bead for everytime they reach a milestone or go through something hard...it was so so cool! Friday night end up being crazy as well because my amazing Mama came down from TN to help us...she's already gone through all my kiddos clothes and taken care of a sick Addyson, so I am so blessed she is here...

Grandma is here!!!

Cancer Duck

BEADS!!!

Of course after Addy saw her Friday, they had to match

I know we are now done and up to Day 5, but that one is going to have to come tomorrow because this Mama is tired and also to tired to proof read so I apologize.....but, it truly has been amazing to see what the Lord is doing...my awesome Birmingham bestie, Tiffany Gray had been so amazing to just be someone I can vent to and talk to and she has also been so great and set up a go fund me.  We have heard amazing stories even just through that although I haven't had time to even look at the posts on there either. We have been so overwhelmed by the prayers and support that are encompassing us.....we received great news today about multiple showings at our house......but it still hasn't sold....but also are starting to see huge answers finiancially and believe the Lord will completely provide for our bills due in the next few days so check out the Go-Fund Me page when you get a free minute.....

““But now take another look. I’m going to give this city a thorough renovation, working a true healing inside and out. I’m going to show them life whole, life brimming with blessings. I’ll restore everything that was lost to Judah and Jerusalem. I’ll build everything back as good as new. I’ll scrub them clean from the dirt they’ve done against me. I’ll forgive everything they’ve done wrong, forgive all their rebellions. And Jerusalem will be a center of joy and praise and glory for all the countries on earth. They’ll get reports on all the good I’m doing for her. They’ll be in awe of the blessings I am pouring on her.”

Jeremiah 33:6-9 MSG

http://bible.com/97/jer.33.6-9.msg

Please keep praying for the following

1: OUR HOUSE HAS TO SELL

2. Please pray Addyson gets better...she has flu like symptoms and just hasn't been herself and we need prayer....

3. For Alayna...chemo slows down the digestive track and she need to go potty so she won't get an obstruction....she doesn't like medicine anymore so we literally have to hold her down to give one of her meds....so she needs to go potty for sure and we need to find a way to get her to like her Meds...and for her little heart once again......

4. Continued pray for our finances...believing and knowing the Lord is providing that!! 

MORE INFORMATION TOMORROW!!!

So blessed that we were chosen for this and just ready for the chance to see God show up and Show off and for our sweet girls! Keep following our journey!!!!

https://www.facebook.com/tiffany.l.gray.77/posts/10153903807207433

Jeremiah 31:12New Living Translation (NLT)

                                       They will be radiant because of the Lord’s good gifts—

the abundant crops of grain, new wine, and olive oil and the healthy flocks and herds.
Their life will be like a watered garden,
and all their sorrows will be gone.
They will come home and sing songs of joy on the heights of Jerusalem

Beautifully complete

As I sit in a hospital room, with worship music playing, and our precious Alayna sleeping beside me, I realize my life has changed in just 24 hours....As we start this journey together, I realize this might be a long blog, but hopefully it will encourage you and you will see how the Lord is the perfect conductor to this amazing symphony He's creating...

A couple of weeks ago we noticed Alayna started having some pretty bad bruises on her legs.  Honestly I didn't think much about it because I am a pediatric ER nurse and it takes a whole lot to get me worked up....she had had some on and off fevers but once again, and been more fussy than normal but I chalked it up to knowing a new baby was coming and nothing I was super concerned about.....

Over the last 2 months we have been in the middle of a storm, with our house contract falling through, being challenged with expensive repairs and additional trips to Alabama, and lots of, "Ok God, we need a miracle..." moments.  Our minds have been all over the place, but through it all, in the middle of the crazy, we have seen God move like never before.....He has provided extra work for me and continued to provide work for Ron.  This weekend we were planning a trip to Alabama and were excited to be welcoming Avery Grace in just 8 weeks.....

Last Tuesday we went to Disney with our sweet friend, Christine Romm and her girls, and had a great time.  That day I was wearing Alayna on my back in my ergo and she accidentally bumped into a wall.  She barely touched it, but within 5 mins her entire head was bruised.  With the medical background I have, I started to wonder what was going on.  I kept rationalizing in my head that it must be her iron or chalking it up to the fact that she is kinda clumsy like her Mama....after church on Sunday we noticed even more bruises on her feet and in random places and so we knew it was time to get her checked out..

Disney with the Besties

Tuesday we got into see her pediatrician, who also happens to be a hematologist and used to be an oncologist, and that's when the spinning began.  After two sticks, they finally got blood work and as soon as the needle went in, her arm bruised.  I kinda knew then things weren't looking great.  Within 10-15mins the nurses were asking Addy and Alayna to come play with them, and there I sat, knowing what was coming and feeling like and Alabama spring tornado just hit.  My doctor is not much for sugar coating, which I am so thankful for, and basically told me her labs were unreadable and that he thought my sweet Laney Bug had leukemia.  All the labs pointed to it and I needed to be prepared.  I immediately called Ron who rushed there and since then it's kind of been like we were in a dream state....

We had faith and were believing for the best, but also preparing for what might be ahead of us.  Ironically, Christine and I had already planned to go to the park and Chickfila after the appointment (A Mama's perfect day out, if you haven't seen this youtube video, you have to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qISA2TD8xhk), and she immediately stepped in to take Addyson with her for a sleepover.  The crazy thing about it all was how perfectly God has orchestrated the people in our lives right now.  Christine was also with me when we got the news about the house and has become such a strong rock for me.  It is amazing how literally every time I have needed someone when I got bad new, over the last month, she has been there....God ordained moments for sure....and The Lord knew she was just what Addyson would need to....

Right before we walked in and life became even more crazy

So with Addyson taken care of, we packed our bags and headed to the hospital.  We were sent to the oncology clinic where we met our amazing team that God truly had hand picked to take care of us.  The tears have been constant, on and off, but through it all, each breakdown makes us a little stronger....Once again, two pokes later, we had an IV and all the bloodwork we needed.  We met with our doctor and he basically explained how lab work wise, he was leaning towards leukemia.  We settled into our room and treatment began. Through it all, Alayna has definitely not lost any energy.  Everyone keep saying how she doesn't act like a kid with leukemia and she has so much energy....which is such a good thing but also such a challenge in a tiny room with IV fluids and IV's, vitals every hour, etc.  Her initial blood work showed she was critically low on her hematocrit and hemoglobin, her platelets were also criticallow, which would explain the bruising, and her WBC was very high.  She also had blast cells present, which is a typical sign of leukemia.  After some wagon rides and playing with child life (who clearly became Alayna's best friends about 3 lollipops and bags of dummies in), we started a blood transfusion and our long night began

Great First Night

Alayna did great and slept through pretty much everything, right beside her Daddy, her Mama....not so much ha, but I know it is all part of the process.  Today we had a bone marrow aspiration and biopsy, which was probably the hardest challenge of it all.  Seeing my baby in pain and sedated, which is something I see all the time at work, was a whole different level of mommy hood.  It seems so easy in the ER, but when it's your baby, it's completely different....I didn't make it through the procedure and found myself in a random room, listening to the song, "Just be held..." and crying out to God, praying for different results, praying all of this was a dream, and praying for a miracle...

After her biopsy

The Lord has also sent us friends that have gone through very similar situations, and some who are just praying for us, just a text away, and I am so blessed to have so many friends pouring their love out for us...as well as friends that were keen to hearing the Holy Spirit, and had been texting us both without even knowing things were going on....those same friends have organized meal trains for us, and our Action family has already poured out amazing love on us ...We have never felt so loved and taken care of and we cannot express how truly thankful we are...Last night sweet friends brought us dinner , and that will continue, and today Aunt Cherie and Uncle Bryan paid us a visit to help us receive the news

Fishy faces with Aunt Cherie

Dumbo fun

We love Payton!

At one point in my day I had 7 missed calls and 45 unread texts....so if you have texted and I haven't responded, please know I am so thankful for the prayers and for the scripture...keep them coming

About an hour after the tests we received work from the pathologist that based on the preliminary bloodwork, we were looking at leukemia for sure, and today's bone marrow results also confirmed that......

So here is what we know so far.....God is God, and He is good, and He's already working miracles....If it had to be leukemia, we were praying for a specific type.  Alayna has been diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL) type preB cell cancer....This is the most common of all childhood cancers, and also the most treatable and completely curable.  Our doctor told us he knows 80 year olds that are still living who went through this type of cancer.....so that is definitely a miracle in itself.   We also know, according to our doc, that we caught it at the absolutely perfect time.....Tomorrow morning we go for a port placement and Lumbar puncture where they will inject chemotherapy into her spinal fluid.  Friday we will start IV chemo therapy.....

We are standing strong on the scripture, 

Psalm 66:8-20New Living Translation (NLT)

8 Let the whole world bless our God
    and loudly sing his praises.
9 Our lives are in his hands,
    and he keeps our feet from stumbling.
10 You have tested us, O God;
    you have purified us like silver.
11 You captured us in your net
    and laid the burden of slavery on our backs.
12 Then you put a leader over us.[a]
    We went through fire and flood,
    but you brought us to a place of great abundance

We have felt like for a long time that something was coming.  We thought with the house situation, it couldn't be much worse and at least we still had health....But we know the Lord has a plan for us in all of this....that we will go through the fire, and come to a place of great abundance.  We are so excited to see what the Lord will done, has already done, and feel so blessed that we were chosen for this journey....He knew we could handle it and He knew we would give him all the glory and praise.....

As far as specific needs and prayer requests....Here's where we are at....

1. Alayna will have no leukemia in her spinal fluid and that she has no complications with her port placement

2. Our house has to sell....like really....two mortgage payments plus all the medical bills that are coming quickly would cause many to doubt, but we know financially the Lord will provide for our needs and make a way in the desert.  

Exodus 14:13-14New Living Translation (NLT)

13 But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. 14 The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

3. Pray that Alayna will have no serious side effects from chemotherapy and her staging will shift from standard risk, to low risk
4. Pray for sweet Addyson's heart.  She has recently had some trouble with discipline and just adjusting in general and that she will understand all of this and not feel left out

Psalm 8:2New Living Translation (NLT)

2 You have taught children and infants
    to tell of your strength,[a]
silencing your enemies
    and all who oppose you.

5. Pray for our sweet Avery Grace, and that she and Mama can stay healthy in the middle of all of this
6. Once again, just pray for the finances, as we have numerous things about to come up and not exactly sure how it will all work out

Psalms 138:3,
As soon as I pray, you answer me;
    you encourage me by giving me strength.
Though I am surrounded by troubles,
    you will protect me from the anger of my enemies.
You reach out your hand,
    and the power of your right hand saves me.
 The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
    for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.

Please join us on this journey. We really cannot wait to see how the Lord shows up and shows off.  We are believing she will be blessed, and beautifully complete.  Keep the prayers coming and the scriptures as well....We love you all

Join our beautiful complete journey

The Hope That Tomorrow Will Bring

Tonight I am sitting in Panera, headphones in, using Free Wi-FI, and memories of college come flooding through my mind.  I remember hours and hours of sitting in these comfy chairs, never knowing what was ahead of me after college, and only trying to thrive and survive. 

Wild and Free

Crazy how things often come back around. Here I sit, once again, not knowing exactly what is a head of me.  My life is currently being lived in the form of suitcases and packed cars.  Ron left on Saturday, 26 foot passenger truck in tow, loaded to the max, and our life is about to change.

And it's scary and crazy and makes me nervous, but so incredibly exciting all in one.

Throughout this whole process I know the Lord has been stripping us.  So many people want to know, "But why are you leaving...?" I loved what Pastor Hamp Green said in his last message.  "God cannot move when you are comfortable"....Even the word of God states it...."


John 16:33
³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Have you ever really thought about this verse?....I think so often we love to read the part that says, "Take heart I have over come"......because honestly, who really likes to hear, "You will have trouble..." 

But if you go back and look at the first part of this verse, you might see it differently....

I HAVE TOLD YOU THESE THINGS, SO THAT IN ME, YOU MIGHT HAVE PEACE....

Really?  Jesus is trying to comfort us and give us peace....Normally when I want to comfort someone or give them peace of mind, my typical response isn't, "Hey, things are going to get REALLY bad, but don't worry, you got this...." No I think I like things more flowery and promising.....

But that's just the point...This isn't our real home and we aren't supposed to have everything perfect...It doesn't mean we can't enjoy life and that the Lord won't bless us, but when we are comfortably we only depend on ourselves...there's no room for God...

So, as we get ready to change all we know, leave our families and friends, so many might not find peace there...but it's incredible to see how the Lord has given me peace in the trouble... I really don't know how..in the trouble of packing...in the trouble of purging....

YES, I did have to get rid of my favorite recliner, the one thing I wanted to bring, yes, Ron did make me leave it behind....and I almost cried.....I had gotten it before Addy was born, nursed in it, fell asleep in it...it was mine....

First Night I got it!

And then the Lord convicted me....why are you hanging on to a RECLINER, it's a recliner....Don't you think I am big enough to restore your Big Lots Christmas Special recliner?.....I was feeling sorry for myself and leaving our dream house behind and having a pity party over things.....and don't we all do it....especially us women....But Lord, she is prettier, they have well behaved kiddos, their yard is awesome...we all do it and we all cling so tight.....

But the Lord wants to bring us PEACE...He wants to give us Hope...and He wants to strip us....Yes, we will have trouble, but the Lord restore and changes us and grows us and if we stay in the same place, there's no way to grow or move to the even bigger and better things He has planned for us......

We have to get out of our comfort zones or we will die there....it's life..it's the truth

So what is your comfort zone?....Where is the Lord leading you to go, maybe kicking and screaming?.....When we first talked about Florida I told Ron, "No way, it isn't happening..."
But, as I realized that the Lord had been preparing us to go, and slowly started letting go...Doors started opening like crazy...our journey to Florida has been incredible and there will definitely be a future post on that story...because I am still completely in awe of all He has done..but tonight I challenge you....What insecurities do you need to kick to the curb?  Comparison is the thief of joy.....so....What do you need to let go of, to be stripped of?....

I promise, you may not want to take that leap of faith, but you will never get to truly experience the beauty of floating in the air if you can never jump out of the plane.....

Trusting in things unseen, and so excited to see where the Lord takes us over these next few week....

The Lord's romance for me the morning Ron left

Jen

NEW BLOG COMING SOON!!!!!

The Pre-Addyson Birth Story.......

So yea, I know I haven't updated how my blog looks....Hmmm...I should probably figure out how to do that.....but Lauren did such a good job on it and so I guess for now let's just pretend it is new and pretty!!!

A new friend of mine was talking about our birth stories, and I figured it was probably about time to write mine down....Before I tell the story of what an incredible delivery we had, there's a little bit of a back story to understand why it truly was amazing.....So this is the PRE-BIRTH story....

Ron and I knew we wanted a baby.....We didn't really think to much about it....Just figured it would happen when the Lord wanted.....and in some ways, that was completely true....When we finally realized how the getting pregnant game works and that there's certain times, etc, we got pregnant immediately and we couldn't have been happier.  I remember seeing what I thought was a positive pregnancy test and freaking out, texting my Mom and best friend a picture, asking, "Is this positive enough?!?"

I can't help but smile thinking about it now and how silly they must have thought I was.....We had just bought a house, Ron was starting a brand new full time ministry, and it seemed like everything was falling into place.  The Lord knew what he was doing because I was due in October, which meant I would have all the holidays off and truly get to spend some amazing time together during the holiday.....

So pregnancy started and at 6 weeks I felt amazing!!! About the middle of my sixth week, it HIT.....like a tornado....Never have I experienced the nausea and horrible icky feeling that pregnancy brought....and it wasn't just in the morning, it was all day long, all night long, every second of the day....I was working at LWR and would literally wake up, have to eat honey nut cheerios before my feet even touched the ground, work till 4:30, miserable and barely able to stand up, come home, fall asleep, Ron would wake me up at 8:00 to eat dinner, and then I would go back to sleep....and that is how I lived life except for having to be at church and lead worship....and it lasted for what seemed like forever......I lost weight and pretty much forgot about running....I felt like there was an alien in my body and I had no control over it, which I would soon learn, would be so true even now :)  I thought I would never feel human again......And after almost 18 weeks of misery, there was a light at the end of the tunnel.....

or so I thought.....

By 18 weeks my nausea was gone and I learned I would be the Mommy to an amazing beautiful DAUGHTER.....which completely scared me...I didn't have sisters or really that many friends that were girls and I thought for sure I was going to have a boy....Man, the Lord has a sense of humor...

Things were good for about 10 weeks....I was able to start running again and I almost felt normal.....almost....

At 28 weeks I started having incredibly painful back pain....I tried prenatal yoga, I tried exercise, I tried stretching, but nothing seemed to make it better.....And then it happened.....

The Saturday before I was almost 32 weeks preggo I was at a birthday party for one of my besties when all of a sudden I couldn't breathe....I had never felt so much pain before in my entire life.....I knew I had to lay down....as I laid down on her sofa, I felt pain on my right side and I knew something was wrong....I could barely walk, I could barely breathe, I could barely move...

This sent me through a long series of numerous tests, ultrasounds, and two different hospital stays....I visited a chiropractor and his response was, "Well, it is an incredibly rare thing, but darling, I think your daughter broke your rib...." And after all the tests to rule out galbladder, kidneys, preterm labor, basically everything in the world it could be, all that was left to blame it on was a broken floating rib....in fact, on the numerous ultrasounds I was having to have, I could literally see her little foot propped up by rib, her own personal ottoman, crazy girl!!! This was followed by 8+ weeks of more misery.....

I am not sure if any of you have experienced a broken rib...but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy....Every time you breathe it hurts, every time you move you find sharp pain.....Ironically the same exact time I found out I had a broken rib, I also found out my work was downsizing and I would no longer have a job, unless I returned to being a floor nurse.....My absolute worst nightmare....

I was at a loss and had no where to turn but to the Lord.....He sustained me, he was the ultimate healer....He allowed doors to open up for me and I was able to assist in other areas at work, while living on ice packs.  Thank God for the LWR physical therapy department...They were my constant source of ice packs, which I lived on 24/7 since we all know Tylenol is not really good for anything and the Lord blessed me with a husband who was patient enough to understand......The Lord really made a way for me to survive in so many ways....Like the fact that our neighbors had a pool that I could relax in every night, and believe me, floating made is soo much better....weightless......and through it all...I grew and I grew and I grew....Although Addyson was measuring small, those 8 weeks passed, and we started anxiously waiting Addyson's arrival....

I knew I wanted to try to go natural.....I figured, I was an athlete, a runner, birthing a baby would be an easy thing.....My doctor highly suggested against it, since I did have a broken rib and all, but my mind was set, and I was going to at least try.....So many of my friends had gone natural, of course, so could I....

40 weeks came....and 40 weeks went...I really didn't want to be induced....the thought of pitocin was definitely not in my plan, but the Lord once again knew what he was doing.....I tried everything to get her to come out....I even ran almost 3 miles 2 days before she was delivered...(see the pic of me after my run below!)  She was stubborn and liked my ribs too much to want to leave

So the day came and my doc basically said, "Jenny, it's time......It's time for that rib to heal and for you not to be in pain anymore.....and so the date was set.....I would go into work half a day on Monday October 17th, leave around 12 to get ready, and return at 6 that night to start cervadil, in hopes to kick start my labor.......and as much as I DIDN'T want to be induced......I was finally done with the idea of pain, so big, and just ready to see my sweet girl.......

And so the labor would begin....or at least try to begin......

Stay tuned for the actual labor story next blog to see what happened!!!!

One year down....

One year ago tonight I was a nervous wreck, IV in my arm, trying to sleep, knowing my life was about to drastically change....And I couldn't sleep...

I was younger than I am now
Had plans and dreams of what she would be like
And 3 years of my Happily Ever After in full swing....

Looking back over the last year I can now say

I have been spit up more times than I can count
Squirted, pooped on, and destroyed by every bodily excretion knowns to man

I have been kissed with wide open mouth kisses
Love the way she says "Mama"
And remember the joy I felt when she turned over on her own

I've been a working mom, a nursing Mom (literally a nurse who nurses)
And made sacrafices to my exercise plan, diet plan and every plan I have had in between

I've enjoyed cuddles and laughter
Smiles, and too many tears
Learned the importance of a good nap
Been through 12 months of diapers
And the need that every Mama has to just cuddle with her Baby

I've realized the best feeling in the world is when she lays her head on my chest, knowing she's safe
I've seen the excitement she has when I walk in the door, and the tears she cries when I leave

I've loved the moments I've heard and seen between her and her Daddy,
knowing He's all I could every ask for and imagine

We've had sleepless nights, but far many sleepful nights
And it feels like I could write a book on schedule, feeding, and what seemed to work for us

I've learned how to be a little less selfish, a little more involved, and learned the art of taking a picture quickly because someone is a mover and a shaker

We've gone from never taking a bottle (Thank you Cherie), to a world of new foods and tastes
We've learned that size is really realative, and the excitement of new words, new songs, and new smiles

And my life will never be the same....

Addyson Faith, I am forever changed...I love you so much and I cannot imagine my life without you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET GIRL

There's a change a coming...

So most recently I have been wanting to blog.....My dear friend Lauren started talking about blogging again and I got this sudden urge and desire to drop everything I was doing and go blog....Then I woke up and realized I have an 11 month old that takes up practically 99% of my non-working life....

And that made me realize....11.5 months....Over 11.5 months since I have blogged.....

I am definitely a different person.  Looking back over the last 11.5 months of my life, I have said more, done more, and cried more than I have ever thought I would....Moments of joy, moments of beauty, even moments of aggravation (Why won't you eat more? Is that a tooth coming in?  Will you ever turn over, crawl, talk, walk, etc?) that have made me a different person....

I know life is a journey of things constantly changing and what it's and what's to be's, but I never realized how I am not who I used to be....I think of the old life, the "old me" and "who I used to be" and I realize how selfish I was, and even still am....When you sign up for Mommyhood, I think most women never realize how selfless that means you have to be....But I have also been realizing that sometimes I fall into this trap of entitlement.  In my head I rationalize being able to sit on the couch and blog while I drink my coffee and listen to the "music I use to love" (that Ron doesn't really love)...and I find myself thinking I definitely am entitiled to be able to do this right?  I work and when I don't work I am taking care of my beautiful girl so I deserve a few moments in peace....

And I'm not saying I don't....I think every Mommy deserves some Mommy Time....but my most recent challenge is trying to not take advantage of this....Just because I might deserve  something, doesn't mean I am entitiled to take advantage of the situation.....My first goal of this life has to be my relationship with God, then my amazing incredible husband, my daughter, my family, work, etc......And I realize no where in that line up does the "me mentality" fit in the picture......

As Godly women, diligently seeking his face, the goal is to find that perfect balance....There will always be laundry. There will always be something to clean, and more than likely a dirty diaper or crying baby somewhere, but when we allow ourselves to focus on being in love with our Father and Savior, we take the focus off our desires and the need and struggle I fight with, to be selfish, and realize there's so much more in this world than what Jenny wants....

While we were in ministry, and throughout my life, I've always talked to my girls about being romanced by the Lord.....I used to challange them to look for how the Lord is romancing them....A beautiful sunset, your favorite song on the radio...A killer bargain on a new outfit....All these things that the Lord does to remind us of how in Love with us he is.....And sometimes as a new Mom, I forget that romance factor.....Last night I had a dream that I had to convince Ron to take me to the homecoming dance, and when I finally did, I was so excited because he let me get a new dress.....I woke up with a smile on my face, thinking, "Why did I just dream about going to Homecoming?" but I think deep down, it's my heart's cry, maybe even just wishful thinking, for the "old days".... to have a fancy party to dress up for, to fix my hair, and buy a new dress, just to feel beautiful and romantic.....And through it all the Lord is there, ready and waiting to spin me on the dance floor....and even if Ron just happens to tap in, and request that dance, that might just be ok...

So whether or not I am the old Jenny, or the new Mommy Jenny...deep down we all long for that romance...and as I grow and change I know the Lord is there besides me, ready to romance me and whisk me off on the dance floor...but if I choose that sense of entitlement, I might miss out on the beauty and the little things He's trying to show me, because I am too busy looking in the rear view mirror, instead of outside my window where the most amazing sunrise awaits....

Trusting in things unseen, and still trying to figure it out...

Jen

P.s. Yes, I will be changing the format of this blog soon....Since Addyson is much bigger than a watermelon....I just have to figure out how...