Laying in my bed still, at 10:11 AM, I could be thinking about everything I have to do and what needs to be done. But instead, I am resting in the Lord's presence.
Two sweet babies lay asleep in my lap, and I am taking a second just to breathe. One of these sweet babies doesn't feel great. In fact, as we lay here, large chunks of her hair will remain in my lap once she awakes. Seeing her her hair thin and fall out breaks my heart into pieces. But what is worst than that is the struggle this phase has been.
Everyone warned me that delayed intensification would be bad. They said its the worst. But honestly, I choose to avoid it. A few weeks ago I met with my sweet friend Mrs. Amy Bezet & was amazed as the Lord revealed so much to me in one simple afternoon together. She reminded me that I have to choose to live in "my season"....that the moment I try get to my next season is the moment I will miss out on all that God is doing in THIS current season.... So this morning I am drinking my coffee a little slower and taking it al in....
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| My sweet girls... |
It has been almost 8 months since we were first diagnosed. When I look back on this journey, what all we've been through with hundreds of pokes, 13 different lumbar procedures, two surgeries, over 100 days in the hospital, and just as many in the clinic, receiving some form of blood prouducts over 20 times...it all just seems like too much for a sweet little girl who hardly ever cries or complains....
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| Momma of this awesome little warrior... |
When I think about how the Lord has brought us out of paying two house payments, how He has provided for thousands of dollars in insurance and medical bills, how he's continued to allow us to serve Him and minister to so many through our businesses and our story, and how He has strengthened our family and marriage to a whole different level, I stand in awe of the Lord's goodness. One cancer mom told me she explains it like this...."Cancer is the hardest, worst thing, anyone will ever have to go through. I wouldn't wish it one anyone, but I also wouldn't change it for the world..."
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| All of these groceries were bought with Jewelry Show money, along with half of our bills this month |
But to be honest, it almost feels too good to be true. I think to myself, "How have we even been able to get through this?" When people ask how I am doing, I honestly have no other answer but to be thankful for a whole lot of coffee and even more Jesus... I find myself waiting for something bad to happen... Fear can over take my thoughts. I find myself in a place of insecurity, thinking what is going to happen next? Ron and I were talking last night and it's so easy to think about what could happen...to make up things in my mind that might happen...I think, "What is he/she/they saying bad or thinking bad about us?" I start to judge myself and wait for the next bad thing to happen....and all of that is just crazy. Satan wants me to live in fear and wonder....to focus on the negative. But Christ has redeemed us and continues to strengthen us. I have no reason to live in fear. He's given us life
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| Thank God for Dunkin Doughnut and Starbucks and Worship Music |
Ya know, the apostle Paul talks to us so much about this. He talks about his struggles, but then places them on God's scales. Although Paul, and us along with him, may be waisting away inwardly, God's power was renewing him daily, and us as well...
“So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG
http://bible.com/97/2co.4.16-18.msg
See the thing is, if I focus on how bad it has been,or the fact that we are so close to maintenance.... so close I can almost feel it....if I rush to be done, I will truly miss all the Lord has done, is doing, and will continue to do. I have to choose to not only live in this season, but to also LOVE this season. At the end of the day, I am faced with the constant and seemingly annoying struggle or "thorn in my side" if you will:
THIS IS NOT ABOUT US
It never has been. It never will be. We were chosen for this journey....The Lord knew we could handle it and we would grow, diamonds out of dust.....
Paul once again tells us that and reminds us that today is fleeting. I love how my first 5 devotional wrote it,
"Despite all the difficulties Paul kept his hope in God and eternity’s value in view. He lived by faith and not by sight. He persevered and continued pointing people to Jesus. We are called to do the same.
In our own sufferings, we can use Paul’s words as pathways of assurance and encouragement: “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Corinthians 4:17)."
We have 1 week in part 1 of this phase, and then 4 more weeks in part 2. We are sooooo close to maintenance. And sure, maintenance isn't the end. It's not any over by any regard. It's just not as bad...it will mean less clinic visits, that we can go back to church and Laney can go back to school at some point...her hair will grow back.....it's still two more years of treatment but it will be more manageable...so yea, we are close to things being better, we really are. But instead of wishing it away, because it's hard when she constantly feels bad and complains "Mommy I don't feel good!" or "Mommy my tummy hurts!"...instead of thinking about how hard it hurts my heart that she is loosing her hair....or complaining because I don't get to see my friends like I used to or feel normal....instead of focusing on the negative....today I am reminding myself to Love this season...to take a breathe and enjoy two beautiful babies sleeping on my lap...
To feel blessed because sweet friends like Kelsey and Denver Darlings, who have given us super cute headbands to wear when her hair falls out....to feel thankful for sweet friends like Lisa and Christine who have helped us with Addy at the drop of a hat and have become some of my best friends who allow me just to call them when I need to just get out of this bubble we live in, the friends that never seem to complain about helping us.... friends like Cherie who not only let me talk and explain, maybe complain, but she has also given me amazing ideas to help Addy in this journey and spoil me with amazing cheesecake dates...friends like Danielle and Dave who will always pick up the phone and make efforts to spend time with us whenever they can...
To feel blessed because sweet friends like Kelsey and Denver Darlings, who have given us super cute headbands to wear when her hair falls out....to feel thankful for sweet friends like Lisa and Christine who have helped us with Addy at the drop of a hat and have become some of my best friends who allow me just to call them when I need to just get out of this bubble we live in, the friends that never seem to complain about helping us.... friends like Cherie who not only let me talk and explain, maybe complain, but she has also given me amazing ideas to help Addy in this journey and spoil me with amazing cheesecake dates...friends like Danielle and Dave who will always pick up the phone and make efforts to spend time with us whenever they can...
To remember that every opportunity is a chance for us to share the Love of Christ and bring His hope to people who need to know....and that through all of this pain and the challenges, it will be worth it....my sweet friend Angeline, who is such an amazing prayer warrior and friend, always tells me that every single part of this journey is going to bring the Lord glory...and for us, if one life is changed for eternity because of Alayna, if one person is encouraged and reminded that they can keep pressing on, to feel that hope that she has, if our faith is made stronger.....it's all worth it in the end....
“I am the LORD, your Holy One, Israel’s Creator and King. I am the LORD, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea. I called forth the mighty army of Egypt with all its chariots and horses. I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned, their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick. “But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. The wild animals in the fields will thank me, the jackals and owls, too, for giving them water in the desert. Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed. I have made Israel for myself, and they will someday honor me before the whole world.”
Isaiah 43:15-21 NLT
Continue to join us in praying for her, that she will feel better, that her counts will rise, that God will continue to provide work for Ron & jewelry shows for me, that Addyson will continue to feel loved, and for strength through this last hardest phase....we love y'all and thanks for always believing for our #BeautifullyComplete
