Last night we were blessed to be able to attend church together, and it was nice to just see and be around people we know are praying for us, as well as good for me to just get out of the house besides working the 5 days in a row I worked...
But last night and yesterday we noticed the change in Alayna and it continued today. Addyson has also been finding it hard to adjust to this new life and can't seem to really express what she is feeling so she does whatever she can to get Mom's attention. This pulls me in a lot of different directions and every part of me wants to live in fear of not knowing what will happen when we add a newborn to the mix, but I know that is exactly what the enemy wants. He wants us to live in fear. But I refuse.
Saturday night at work my husband also told me that some of Alayna's hair had started to come out after bath and I seriously almost lost it. Although I am praying it won't happen, if that day ever comes, I know it will be a hard one. Loosing her hair makes this whole thing seem so much more real. Her hair is one of my most favorite things about her. Everyone wants to tell me that she will still be beautiful and that it doesn't matter and she won't care. To be honest, that isn't at all what I want to hear. I know she is beautiful but I love her hair. I don't want it to fall out. So thankful for another friend who could just let me vent that night and help me feel better, that it indeed just really stinks and it's is ok to not be on with it....praying to get some good pictures before it does happen...
Over the last few days I have been able to connect with some amazing women that have also gone down this leukemia journey and they have been super helpful, but reading their stories once again sets this unfamiliarity to my life. When I read of what is to come...all the different phases and the ever famous delayed intensification and evil "red chemo drug", once again I find myself saying, "How can I do this? Especially with a 4 year old, no family that lives here, and a newborn? How can I give all my girls everything they need? And tonight I am reminded of Paul, and how he felt this way too.
“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NLT
http://bible.com/116/2co.12.9-10.nlt
I realize that only through Christ will I be able to continue on this journey. And in all these other stories and situations, I have to remember that that is those women's and Moms' and parents' stories. The Lord has clearly decided to write our own story and chosen us for this life. Chosen me to be Alayna, Addyson, and Avery's mom. For a reason. For a purpose. And when I cannot see the way, I know He will be there to carry me through it all.
My best friend Autumn reminded me today that Alayna's middle name isn't Hope without reason. She sent me this verse and analogy and tonight it is the one thing I am clinging to to get me through this night.....
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Romans 5:2b-5
Sufferings > Perseverance > Character > Hope that doesn't disappoint!
Romans 5:2b-5
Sufferings > Perseverance > Character > Hope that doesn't disappoint!
Tonight I am believing that Hope will not disappoint and that a future of joy will come and make us brave....
To God be the glory! He is working in your life. It's ok to have the feelings your experiencing. They're natural. You however, have access to the supernatural God! He loves your family. He will bring you through this.
ReplyDeleteI was so hoping her hair would not come out, too. I do know that there has been a lot of research at that is showing an ice cap during Chemo can help prevent that from happening. There is even a prototype. Accepting side effects just because "it happens to everyone" is something that I feel health-care workers need to strive to not do. (That sounded awkward, sorry) I don't believe in accepting things that you could prevent just because it is a known side effect. When my friend's daughter was going through her second stem cell transplant, I had done a ton of research at UAB to see if there was something they could do to prevent the mouth and mucosal burns caused by the chemo and radiation she went through (different cancer, and she is still in remission and doing great!) She was at CHOPS so you would think they would know this. It was so bad the first time, it delayed her discharge by 10 days. I found a small study that was done in the 90's. It worked with a high success rate The miracle cure?? Ice...Eating ice chips and pop-sickles prevented this! Something so simple! She had no problems with burns with her second stem cell transplant and the unit copied the study and started using it for all their patients. If it works for the GI tract why wouldn't it work for hair?! I know to most people losing her hair seems trivial, but they have no idea how that drives it all home. My mom lost her hair twice. It came back, but I remember going home and sobbing when it started to come out. I didn't want her to see me crying over her hair. This experience is real enough without anything else driving it home. You hang in there, girlie!! It is a hard journey and a hard fight, but of all the people I know, you all will make it through!! Cold packs on her head during chemo....go get 'em!!
ReplyDeleteI have heard about the ice cold on her hair to help save it but not sure how to do that when she is 2 ya know....not sure she would understand but I will definitely stock up on popsickles
DeleteI just want to tell you how much your blogs about your daughter's fight right now and the Bible verses are really helping me stay positive as I too am having a difficult time with my mom's cancer diagnosis. I am 20 years old and terrified of so many things! I want to thank you for sharing your story and the positive verses!! Prayers and love to you, Ron, Addyson, Alayna, and Baby Avery and also to your other family members, friends, and other blog readers!
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