One year down....

One year ago tonight I was a nervous wreck, IV in my arm, trying to sleep, knowing my life was about to drastically change....And I couldn't sleep...

I was younger than I am now
Had plans and dreams of what she would be like
And 3 years of my Happily Ever After in full swing....

Looking back over the last year I can now say

I have been spit up more times than I can count
Squirted, pooped on, and destroyed by every bodily excretion knowns to man

I have been kissed with wide open mouth kisses
Love the way she says "Mama"
And remember the joy I felt when she turned over on her own

I've been a working mom, a nursing Mom (literally a nurse who nurses)
And made sacrafices to my exercise plan, diet plan and every plan I have had in between

I've enjoyed cuddles and laughter
Smiles, and too many tears
Learned the importance of a good nap
Been through 12 months of diapers
And the need that every Mama has to just cuddle with her Baby

I've realized the best feeling in the world is when she lays her head on my chest, knowing she's safe
I've seen the excitement she has when I walk in the door, and the tears she cries when I leave

I've loved the moments I've heard and seen between her and her Daddy,
knowing He's all I could every ask for and imagine

We've had sleepless nights, but far many sleepful nights
And it feels like I could write a book on schedule, feeding, and what seemed to work for us

I've learned how to be a little less selfish, a little more involved, and learned the art of taking a picture quickly because someone is a mover and a shaker

We've gone from never taking a bottle (Thank you Cherie), to a world of new foods and tastes
We've learned that size is really realative, and the excitement of new words, new songs, and new smiles

And my life will never be the same....

Addyson Faith, I am forever changed...I love you so much and I cannot imagine my life without you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET GIRL

There's a change a coming...

So most recently I have been wanting to blog.....My dear friend Lauren started talking about blogging again and I got this sudden urge and desire to drop everything I was doing and go blog....Then I woke up and realized I have an 11 month old that takes up practically 99% of my non-working life....

And that made me realize....11.5 months....Over 11.5 months since I have blogged.....

I am definitely a different person.  Looking back over the last 11.5 months of my life, I have said more, done more, and cried more than I have ever thought I would....Moments of joy, moments of beauty, even moments of aggravation (Why won't you eat more? Is that a tooth coming in?  Will you ever turn over, crawl, talk, walk, etc?) that have made me a different person....

I know life is a journey of things constantly changing and what it's and what's to be's, but I never realized how I am not who I used to be....I think of the old life, the "old me" and "who I used to be" and I realize how selfish I was, and even still am....When you sign up for Mommyhood, I think most women never realize how selfless that means you have to be....But I have also been realizing that sometimes I fall into this trap of entitlement.  In my head I rationalize being able to sit on the couch and blog while I drink my coffee and listen to the "music I use to love" (that Ron doesn't really love)...and I find myself thinking I definitely am entitiled to be able to do this right?  I work and when I don't work I am taking care of my beautiful girl so I deserve a few moments in peace....

And I'm not saying I don't....I think every Mommy deserves some Mommy Time....but my most recent challenge is trying to not take advantage of this....Just because I might deserve  something, doesn't mean I am entitiled to take advantage of the situation.....My first goal of this life has to be my relationship with God, then my amazing incredible husband, my daughter, my family, work, etc......And I realize no where in that line up does the "me mentality" fit in the picture......

As Godly women, diligently seeking his face, the goal is to find that perfect balance....There will always be laundry. There will always be something to clean, and more than likely a dirty diaper or crying baby somewhere, but when we allow ourselves to focus on being in love with our Father and Savior, we take the focus off our desires and the need and struggle I fight with, to be selfish, and realize there's so much more in this world than what Jenny wants....

While we were in ministry, and throughout my life, I've always talked to my girls about being romanced by the Lord.....I used to challange them to look for how the Lord is romancing them....A beautiful sunset, your favorite song on the radio...A killer bargain on a new outfit....All these things that the Lord does to remind us of how in Love with us he is.....And sometimes as a new Mom, I forget that romance factor.....Last night I had a dream that I had to convince Ron to take me to the homecoming dance, and when I finally did, I was so excited because he let me get a new dress.....I woke up with a smile on my face, thinking, "Why did I just dream about going to Homecoming?" but I think deep down, it's my heart's cry, maybe even just wishful thinking, for the "old days".... to have a fancy party to dress up for, to fix my hair, and buy a new dress, just to feel beautiful and romantic.....And through it all the Lord is there, ready and waiting to spin me on the dance floor....and even if Ron just happens to tap in, and request that dance, that might just be ok...

So whether or not I am the old Jenny, or the new Mommy Jenny...deep down we all long for that romance...and as I grow and change I know the Lord is there besides me, ready to romance me and whisk me off on the dance floor...but if I choose that sense of entitlement, I might miss out on the beauty and the little things He's trying to show me, because I am too busy looking in the rear view mirror, instead of outside my window where the most amazing sunrise awaits....

Trusting in things unseen, and still trying to figure it out...

Jen

P.s. Yes, I will be changing the format of this blog soon....Since Addyson is much bigger than a watermelon....I just have to figure out how...