NicklessLife: December 2016

Today it has been 10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes since we received the worst news of our families life......

This has been 10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes of survival...
10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes of tears, fighting a battle, and moments of wonder
10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes of constant medications, leg pain, port acesses, numbing cream, zofran, steroid life and steroid rage, vomiting, chemo after chemo, surgery, lumbar punctures, and hundreds of hours wondering and questioning what might happen and oh yea, the loss of hair, twice
BUT IT HAS ALSO BEEN
10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes of joy in the middle of sadness
10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes of true friends and family stepping out and believing in us, with us, and praying like no one has ever prayed
10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes of the Lord showing up and feeling His presence like we have never felt ever before

Honestly, I am not even sure how we made it
10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes

Today a sweet friend of mine got some horrible news about her son and all of the memories of that first day, that first bone marrow aspiration, and the horrible nightmare it was, came flooding back to my mind....the fear, the sadness...the, "How can this be?".....the reminder of sitting in a parent's room on a red sofa, listening to casting crown's, "Just be Held" and thinking the tears would never stop.....
but feeling like the Lord's arms were truly wrapped around me
Even now I feel His sweet presence

Honestly, it feels like a blur....there are still moments where I am literally just seconds away from tears

We were so blessed that the Lord used our story again, this weekend, at Action Church, and I was reminded that the Lord never said it would be easy, but that He promised He would be with us....

Deuteronomy 31:8

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you."

SO WHAT DOES THE NEXT 18 months, hundreds of days, thousands of hours look like....

Well, I'm honestly not sure....

See the thing is, although we are so thankful and completely rejoicing in the fact that Alayna is cancer free, sadly, our journey is not over....not be a long shoot....

Every single day it's multiple medications....Every day I have to learn to be a better Mama and learn how to not only love an incredible 5 year old little girl with a strong willed spirit, but also a 3 year old girl that has chemo and steroids rushing through her blood, and has become angry at times, and even destructive, while being the sweetest little angel the next moment....learning how to be there for a sweet 9 month old with the best little spirit ever and who could care less about crawling, or walking...but sure loves to eat and talk (yes, my daughter for sure!)

For 10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes Ron and I had to put our passions for life and ministry on hold, and now we both have to try to find those passions again....

As we fall into some routine, and Alayna's hair has started growing like crazy, life almost feels normal......except not at all.....and that's ok....

Because in all of this, this was the Lord's plan.....when we moved here I clung to the verse,

Psalm 27:13,

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

And I still believe it to be true.....

Over the last 10 months, 12 days, 5 hours, and 36 minutes I have shared our story at least 100 times....I have found new friends who have become truly the women that just keep me going....I have found other cancer Mom's that have become like a sisterhood and truly just get it....God has blessed my business like never before and bills have been paid because of a little jewelry company. Because of a hard working husband who keeps building and being blessed in his business, as well, our needs have been met, while I have worked less, we have had blessings, financially and as a family, that just don't make sense....

and I wouldn't want it any other way

Until you are faced with the choice, where the only way you can take another breath, is if the Lord gives you the strength.....well, I never want to live any other way.....Yes, it's been hard...it had been so unfair...but the Lord isn't done with us....

We have 18 months, hundreds of days, thousands of hours of medications, and pokey's, and tubey's and everything else, but that is just 18 months, hundreds of days, and thousands of hours, to only depend on the Lord....to find our passions again...to truly live a life in complete surrender...to make our family better, to make our marriage better....for me to speak into women's lives across the world....to tell anyone we can that, " You darling, you, are going to make it"

.....that God isn't done writing this story.....and I'm excited.....

So no, it's not over....and there are still huge financial needs, and addictions to coffee and sleep, and moments where we fail time and time again, but we have 18 months, hundreds of days, and thousands of hours to grow, to change, to become who Christ has finally called us to be....

Isaiah 40:27-30

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
    or, whine, Israel, saying,
“God has lost track of me.
    He doesn’t care what happens to me”?
Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening?
God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
    He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
    And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
    gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
    young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.